"I've Always Been Shy, I Confess That I'm Shy..."

"Can't you guess that this confident air
Is a mask that I wear 'cause I'm shy"
When I was younger, I was ridiculously shy. You can ask my friend Crystal, I couldn't even order my own sandwich at Subway because I didn't want to talk to the workers. It wasn't until I hit Jr. High that I became slightly more outgoing, but by the time I was in high school I was extremely outgoing. It was a mixture of becoming secure with who I am as a person, and knowing that I get one life, why waste it being afraid? Afraid to say something stupid, or look dumb. Who cares?
I find that I am no longer a shy person, but when it comes to certain situations, I find myself stuck, and back to being that little girl who can't order a sandwich. It is very annoying. I could never, not now at least, ask out a guy. I just can't. I have been fortunate enough to always have the guy take the initiative. But I am finding, now that I am I older, that I am going to have to take the first step every once in a while. Which is very disturbing for me. Call me old fashion, I just prefer a guy who will ask me out. And I'm not saying it even needs to be a full on date, we could just hang out, I even prefer that sometimes. I feel like I keep hitting the same wall. I think he is attractive, we will talk, I think he is flirting, although it is hard to know if it is just his personality since I don't know anything about him outside of what he tells me, and since I am unsure of this, I don't make the next step of wanting to do something because I do not want to be turned down because I have misread signals. Maybe I am not shy, but I have a fear of rejection...then again who doesn't? No one wants that.
Here I am, wanting a guy to take the initiative, thinking to myself, "It is not that hard.", when I can't even do it. I'm sure I am not the only one afraid of being told "No thank you."
Once given a slight push, I am not shy. If he asks me to hang out I'm not going to be shy, it is just the initial step that I need. I know that I will not have the guts to ask a guy out anytime soon, which is a complete bummer, but then again, I want a guy who will ask me out. I like assertive guys. I'm nice, don't be afraid. If only it were that simple.



Oh and update on Revolutionary Road. Although I thought the book was shit-tastic, I really enjoyed the movie because Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet were amazing.