"In the midst of this nothing, this miss of a life"

This week has been such a joy. On Monday I had lunch with my friend Rob, who I haven't seen in a long time, we talk just about everyday but it was nice to catch up in person. Then after that I went to acting class which was beyond fun. We did the scenes given to us like we always do but this week my teacher Elizabeth gave us adjustments that were completely hilarious and it was so ridiculous. This one guy, whose name keeps slipping my mind, did an Arnold Schwarzenegger impression that was so dead on and everyone was laughing really hard. It was just an all around fun night. I love acting class so much! Ah!
Yesturday I went and spent 5 hours getting headshots done and then I sat in traffic on the way home for another 1. All day with no food, was not so great. But Mara, the woman who took my pictures, was so funny and really cool. When my agent picks which pictures she likes the most I will post them on here so you can see which pictures were "the best". I never thought I would even get one good one since I don't really feel comfortable when strangers are taking my pictures, but Mara was so awesome so I think they came out pretty well.
Tomorrow I need to get back on track with my fitness. I've slipped the past 3 days and that is not okay so I need to get back on the eliptical. But for now I am going to sleep around 8 because I have been so tired I can barely keep my eyes open.

"One Sided Love, Is Never Gonna Work"

I just got home from church, which was wonderful as usual, but I feel like I went with a stranger at some points of the night. Then I came to realize, this "friendship" wouldn't be there if I didn't put so much effort into it. I make the effort to stay in contact, to make plans that he never wants to go through, I think that if he never paid for his ticket, Rent would not be an option. I'm just getting sick of this one sided friendship. I miss him as a friend but I have a feeling he doesn't want to be mine, if he did maybe he would put some effort in every once in a while. When I see him he is cordial, he is a great person there is no denying that. But I find the lack of caring somewhat rude. I would just appreciate some kind of "hey want to watch a movie?" nothing major. I don't get it and it makes me want to just not be friends because it is just so much work. But then he is there when I need him the most. I'm probably just overthinking but I really don't enjoy feeling this way, as though I really don't matter to this person, even though he says I do and that he will always be there...but for how long? Part of me knows he is sincere but then I feel like he says these things because he knows I would like to hear them. Why can't people just be honest? Honestly. Im am done trying, it is his turn. And I bet we won't even be friends once I stop putting in my effort.

"They Say, Time Heals Everything, But I'm Still Waiting"

As I looked back over this past year I looked at the two biggest changes, both of which were the ending of relationships. My parent’s relationship and mine and Raber’s. Now clearly there is a huge difference in the relationships, the length, the importance, the ages, the responsibility, my parent’s relationship was by far more advanced then our short, almost 10 month stint, but both hold a common factor. Both relationships fell out of love. Now, what I can’t understand is how people fall out of love, or how love ends. Was it really love? Or did you just trick yourself into thinking it was?
I remember I was always the one kid who didn’t have divorced parents, that my parents were so happy. What changes that? Well I know several things that changed it for my parents, but it is still sad to see a couple once in love no longer in love. The dynamic between them changes completely.
The day this past summer when Raber told me he had fallen in love with me was such an amazing moment. I remember it clearly, I thought when he said “I have something to say to you” meant he wanted to break up, but when he told me that he loved me I was so happy and I was excited to be able to say it back. For the first time I had fallen in love and I never wanted that happy feeling to go away. But then when he tells me this February that he is no longer in love with me, probably one of the worst days I’ve had, I was destroyed.
How can a love change so quickly? One day he says “I am so madly in love with you, I can’t even explain it.” And the next he says “I don’t think I’m mature enough to handle this relationship.” What is so hard about loving someone? I don’t get it. If you love someone you should be happy to be there for them, through anything. I think it is people’s fear of commitment rather than their maturity level that can end a relationship. Which is sad because I loved him as much as I think it is possible to love another person. Now when I see Raber, my friend Raber, it is somewhat strange because it is such a drastic change between us. I still feel comfortable around him and we still talk and hang out on occasion, but it is not the same, and it never will be again.
When I see my parents I can tell things aren’t the same because they are just friends, and it’s easy for me to get used to, but I’m sure it isn’t for them. Both of these endings have been hard for me to deal with, I just hope the time comes soon when I’m okay with my parents not being together, that one I think has been the hardest ending to overcome, and I know it will continue to be hard.
I think it is horrible to see love die. It is even worse when it happens to you. I just pray that I can have a relationship with a man who will truly love me and always be there for me. That is the one thing I want more than anything in this world. I could be homeless, but if I had that one person to love I would be just fine. I pray that everything works out well for everyone who is currently in a committed relationship, because it is hard to wake up knowing someone you loved is no longer a person you can love.

"You've Got A Friend In Me"

Valentines day was definately fun. Zoey and I went and saw High School Musical at CTG which was a fun adventure. Then I went to Javier's and helped him bake and then we delivered the baked goods to the neighbors. Then I kinda just hung around and then Josue took me to dinner. It was fun and I had a nice night. Disneyland on Sunday was so much fun. Kacie, Nicole and I actually went on that big white boat that Nicole kept calling Steam Boat Willie, which is definately not what it is called but we got to do our Fantasmic dance with our scarves, which was a plus. Billy Hill and the Hillbillies was amazing, as usual. It was a fun day, aside from Sonic the Wildebeaver, oh dear. Not to mention that terrifying challenge trail at California Adventure, I hate bridges let alone ones made of rope. We left early and I sang along to Across The Universe horribly in the back seat while Kacie kept saying "You's a bitch" to someone with bright lights on the freeway. Oh I forgot, the tram ride was hilarious, Kacie definately had too much sugar that night. I love going to Disneyland with them. It was a lovely weekend.

"The Saturdays You Never Spent"

My dog Whiskey died this morning. He never woke up. No one told me, I had to find out via text from Kacie. He was 17, which is really old for a Cocker Spaniel. They usually live for 10 to 11 years. He was a healthy dog, so I'm glad he never suffered or we had to put him to sleep, he just died of old age. I am sad because I never really paid much attention to him. And when I was near the dog I was busy playing with my pug Peter. I guess you never realize how much you care until it is gone. I wish I paid more attention, I wish I walked him more and took better care, but he wasn't my priority unfortunately, and now it is too late. I'm going to miss Whiskey, even though he was crazy hyper, going deaf and you know just an all around freak, but I love him and he will be missed. RIP Whiskey.

"Some Kind Of Wonderful"

Today has been so great. Nothing has really happened, but I woke up happy and I've been listening to Spring Awakening all day which puts me in a good mood. I don't have acting class tonight which is the only downside, but I am going to exercise for the first time in a long time so I am excited. I'm always thinking about getting some subway because that sounds totally bomb. Everyone needs to go and see He's Just Not That Into You. So cute and so funny, I thoroughly enjoyed it. I must get it on DVD the second it comes out. I love my life! Truly, I've been blessed, I'm over my hard times and I'm ready to live!

"I Guess It's Really Over, I'm Finally Getting Better"

After having one last relationship discussion with Raber on Friday, I've come to accept that it is over. You can never make anyone love you, no matter how much you were there for them to support them, take care of them, laugh with them and cry with them. Isn't it weird how you can do "nothing wrong" and still have them not care? I think it is weird. But he needs some growing up time which means alone time. Which I understand. At least he decided he could be my friend, because he was barely going to give me that...after almost 10 months I think I deserve his friendship. I want to say thank you for everyone who was here for me, Dante, Amanda, Rob, Josue, Kacie, Nicole, Crystal, Mom, Dad, Jeannie, Brad, Javier, Chelsea, Amy, Lindsey, everyone was amazing and I thank you all for being part of my life and caring. I went to hang out with my friend Dante at his house yesterday...Raber was there, which I wasn't expecting since I did not see his car or anything, but whatever, it was fine we played Apples to Apples and Spoons as a group and it was fun. It was kinda weird to see him when I have completely different feelings now. I don't know I think it is weird to see someone you were so in love with and then see them as just your friend, the feeling is way different. Then we went to church, which I could barely find myself paying attention to because of my back pain and the sitting and standing was driving me crazy, plus the man preaching was kinda yelling so I immediately tried not to listen because I don't like when people yell, so I was praying while he was talking instead. One good thing, since I haven't really been eating I've lost some weight so that's good! Now I just have to keep it off...not that I can exercise because of my back but whatever. I'm bummed I don't have acting class tomorrow but I have shepherding group...which reminds me, I'm behind on some quiet times...I wasn't in the mood these past few days to even pick up a pen, let alone read something. I need to get back on track with that. Well I'm pretty sure I'm just rambling now so I will say TTFN. Ta Ta For Now.

"Goodbye My Lover, Goodbye My Friend..."

"...You have been the one for me."
Today has been horrible. I had a feeling that things between Raber and I were a little off. I went to his house after leaving work early for feeling sick. I'm extremely sad to say that we are no longer together. Our almost 10 months together were some of the happiest months of my life. I love him very much, but if he no longer has feelings for me I guess we can't be together, no matter how much I cry. People tell me to give it time, that I deserve better, but in all honesty he was everything I have ever wanted. I feel stupid for still caring this much, and that I shouldn't feel like I need him, but I do. He is, or was, my best friend and my whole world has been destroyed in one single day. I'm losing everything. I've never been this close to anyone in my life, and to have it ripped away is extremely hard for me. I know I'm acting like I'm the only person in the world who has had her heartbroken, and I know I'm not. I just can't handle this and I don't know how I'm ever going to get over this. I'm sure, like everyone has said, that in time I will be okay, I just so desperately want that time to come already. Or at least I want numbness to set in. I would rather feel nothing then the pain that I feel right now. My life is falling apart around me, and I just want it to be done falling apart, it has taken its toll on me and I'm just so tired of being sad. I wish that things could be different, that we were older and feelings of love wouldn't be scary and that people wouldn't have been pushed away, but life isn't perfect is it? This couldn't have come at a worse time, not that there is ever a good time, but I really needed him to be here and help me, but he isn't here....and there isn't anything I can do about it.

"It's Over Now, The Music Of The Night"

I saw Phantom of the Opera last night at the Pantages, and I must say I was underwhelmed. I feel like the costumes were the only great thing about this production. Every single person lacked energy, the show fell flat past the first row. It wasn't loud enough, the acting was extremely mediocre, I had high hopes for the man who played the phantom because everyone had told me how great he was...I wasn't seeing much greatness. He was good about 50% of the time. I was more entertained by the man and woman doing sign language to the side of the stage. Those two people were more vibrant than everyone in the cast combined. It was especially entertaining to see them sign Prima Donna, which was a poorly blocked number, and quite boring to watch. Masquerade had no feeling. It was as if everyone in this show had been sleeping all day and then woke up two minutes before curtain. But I am happy to say that I was able to see it, and I'm sure it was just an off night..hopefully...

I'm sure Rent will be much better.

"Tomorrow We'll Discover What Our God In Heaven Has In Store"

Life has been extremely difficult for me lately. I've been having problems coping with the fact that my parents are no longer together, part of me saw it coming, part of me wish it hadn't come, then another part thinks that things are better this way, and then another part knows I want things to be the way they used to be. Because of this I have been having problems over thinking every aspect of my life. I am scared about certain things in my life not turning out the way I want, or some things ending without my control, and being left alone. Even though I know I'm never alone because I will always have God, I am finding it difficult to live in the "now".

My mind is consumed with the thoughts of all the things that can go wrong with my life. Raber could leave me, I may never act, never get married, never get to be the mom I have wanted to be since I was 5, I can end up alone, and never be successful; there are just so many uncertainties in my life right now. As a Christian, I know that I have the constant certainty of the love of Jesus Christ because of his amazing sacrifice for us, but I really need something in my life right now that I can be certain about. So many things could change; people can change, situations can change, feelings can change, and I am desperate for something that will not change, something that can promise to stay constant. I know that's an impossible dream. I find myself crying more often than I should because I just can't seem to handle things, and I only have one person I feel I can trust and really talk to, but the downside is that he could walk out of my life if he ever wanted to, then thinking about that makes me even more sad, which leads me to my downward spiral of sadness. I know my family, friends and boyfriend love me, but in all honesty, sometimes I just don't feel it. As hard as things are for me right now, I know that the only thing I can do is wait for God to lift my struggles in his time, but I really would greatly enjoy a certainty right now.