Life has been extremely difficult for me lately. I've been having problems coping with the fact that my parents are no longer together, part of me saw it coming, part of me wish it hadn't come, then another part thinks that things are better this way, and then another part knows I want things to be the way they used to be. Because of this I have been having problems over thinking every aspect of my life. I am scared about certain things in my life not turning out the way I want, or some things ending without my control, and being left alone. Even though I know I'm never alone because I will always have God, I am finding it difficult to live in the "now".
My mind is consumed with the thoughts of all the things that can go wrong with my life. Raber could leave me, I may never act, never get married, never get to be the mom I have wanted to be since I was 5, I can end up alone, and never be successful; there are just so many uncertainties in my life right now. As a Christian, I know that I have the constant certainty of the love of Jesus Christ because of his amazing sacrifice for us, but I really need something in my life right now that I can be certain about. So many things could change; people can change, situations can change, feelings can change, and I am desperate for something that will not change, something that can promise to stay constant. I know that's an impossible dream. I find myself crying more often than I should because I just can't seem to handle things, and I only have one person I feel I can trust and really talk to, but the downside is that he could walk out of my life if he ever wanted to, then thinking about that makes me even more sad, which leads me to my downward spiral of sadness. I know my family, friends and boyfriend love me, but in all honesty, sometimes I just don't feel it. As hard as things are for me right now, I know that the only thing I can do is wait for God to lift my struggles in his time, but I really would greatly enjoy a certainty right now.
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It may not be much... but I'm here. I may not have a chance to talk to you often because of work and life and such but you know if you ever need me, I'll drop everything for you. You're my little sister and no matter how old we get, I'll always hold your hand... even if you just need it to help you fall asleep.
ReplyDeletethe lyrics are from Les' right?
ReplyDeletehope you and I can really find what is it in someday, somewhere ;)